A Part Of Me Is Missing
There is a reason I’ve been missing in the last week or so. In just one week my life went from happy, to even happier, to a sad unexplained hole.
The picture on the left was picked two days ago for a post I was writing about the happy. It was supposed to be the big YAY and happy news.
The news we shared with our families and I was ready to share it with the world. But it all changed the past two days…
But the story from the beginning…
As you may know (well my regular readers I’m sure do) we have been talking about trying for a baby #2 for the past several months. It all started with this post Ready For More, which was back in August.
By the time I wrote this post Trying To Conceive Ups And Downs I was starting to get just a little worried. Worried why? Well you see this was two months how we were trying and nothing was happening. Actually weird things were happening, like there was no period, yet all home pregnancy tests came back negative.
Confused, sad, upset…just no answers. November was stressful on its own, and with many other things happening I just tested in the beginning of the month and as before a big no. I didn’t want to do any more tests after that.
See after I did that test back in November I wrote this post Obviously I’ve Been Sick, and I felt sick. I thought I was coming down with a cold. Than I was better for a week or so, and than all the symptoms came back just a little different. Funny part, I still didn’t get my period.
Fast forward to December 1. I told my husband something must be wrong with me when I fall asleep while working on a post on my computer. He thought it was funny, which really was, but well. I had two tests in the bathroom the early ones that supposed to show you the results 5 days sooner than your missed period.
On December 2 I got up as soon as my husband went to work. I was awaken by incredible urge to go to the bathroom, and while there I was thinking “Well, why not test?!”
I waited impatiently and than saw it…2 lines…I am pregnant!!!
Excitement, I was smiling in the mirror and beyond happy. Right away I called my husband to share this happy, long waited news.
We were so excited, and we couldn’t wait to tell everyone.
I tested again a day later, just to be sure…again positive, the lines even darker.
On December 3 I went with Princess to my parents house. I was sitting in the kitchen with my Mom and Sister, when I couldn’t wait any longer, and just told them…”I’m Pregnant!” I didn’t really know how would they react, but the response was as I hoped “happy”! My husband told his parents as well and his brothers. Everyone was as excited as we.
I was at my parents house till Saturday evening. Doing Friday night (December 4 on December 5) I felt lots of cramps that seemed much stronger than I thought was supposed to be normal. But I didn’t want to think about anything bad, anyways cramps in early pregnancy are normal. And I was supposed to see my doctor on Monday (December 7) so no worries!
Saturday night we came home and I was still feeling very tired, with so many lower stomach cramps. But I still didn’t think anything could be wrong.
Sunday we did some shopping, mostly food, I had to go to the bathroom like fifty times in two hours, but hey, that’s normal too.
Than Sunday evening I felt like I was going to faint. My stomach was hurting so bad, very low. In some point it felt like I had something heavy and cold drop down and I felt sick. I went to the bathroom and there it was … blood … dark … enough to make me worry. I never experienced anything like this with my last pregnancy. There was never any spotting, especially not after positive pregnancy tests.
I was starting to freak out, and my husband tried his best to make me come down , not that it did much. I was worried, and even though after that there was nothing other than when I would wipe I was so scared. So I decided to wait till the morning, I was anyways going to the doctor around twelve on Monday (December 7).
I woke up feeling all out of the place. I went to the bathroom and there it was more blood. I was more scared than ever before. It was coming more and it seemed like it will not stop.
We went to the emergency room, I called my doctor, and she said that we should go right away and have all the tests and ultrasounds done as soon as possible.
We did just that…
In the ER they give me a urine pregnancy test that came in negative. I was freaking out and told them that can’t be right. Doctor was very nice, unlike the nurse there who thought I was making it all up. She was saying how there was no chance I was pregnant…I was going crazy.
They took blood to do tests and check for the hormone levels. Than they did all kinds of ultrasounds…I was informed because I was coming from the ER the technician doing ultrasounds can’t tell me anything, the doctor will tell me later what was happening. It was nerve racking and I couldn’t stop crying…all I could say to anyone asking me “how I was” was “I know I am pregnant!” The technician was very nice. She was asking me lots of questions, and in some point she turned the monitor on the other side…than looked at me, and back at the screen. Even though she didn’t tell me anything, I knew something was very wrong.
We were in the ER room when doctor came in. He didn’t look as happy as other times. He was way too serious for me to look normal. He started telling me about the ultrasound that they took, it looked weird. Weird like my uterus looking much larger than it should, and that it looked like I am pregnant, but they didn’t see anything, nothing that was good at least. Than he said, and the blood test shows that you are indeed pregnant, around seven weeks going by the level of the hormone, but I am so sorry to say that it’s not there, not anymore…Something went wrong, and you miscarried somewhere between last night and today!!!
The whole room was spinning, all I could hear was Pregnant and Miscarried…
The world stopped, the shock settled in, the guilt, the need to scream…but nothing came out of my mouth, except “I told you I was pregnant”. Yea, I know what was that…
We came home later in the evening and I still can’t believe it. I still feel it in me, just right above I feel this empty spot like half of me is missing. This void that can’t be filled. I’ve lost something, something I wanted, loved and needed. I know seven weeks isn’t a long time, but it was my seven weeks that made me feel all warm and happy to feel dizzy!
I came home I looked at my beautiful baby girl, I hugged her and kissed her, I told her I love you a hundred times. And I can’t tell you how many times I thanked God for her, for having her and for her being as perfect as she is.
We told family, as they were calling us all day to check in if everything was ok. We are all sad, but I feel so empty. I don’t know can they ever understand it, I feel like a part of me is missing and I lost it in the hospital…a part they said is not here anymore, but I still feel it in me, and I wish this all was just a bad dream.
What now? How do we go from here? Why does it have to hurt so much???
I know this was long, I just needed to say it, to say how little time I had to be excited, and now all I find myself doing all day is staring in one spot and asking WHY?
Tags: Family, loss, miscarriage, Mom, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, pregnancy symptoms, pregnancy test
I want to be the first one to comment to your post honey and I am so very sorry that things didn’t go the way we wanted…Reading your post just makes me cry, yes I am a man and not ashamed to say that. See when you told me that you must go to ER, it didn’t came to me at first, when that nice doctor said “it was a baby” still nothing, however right now, I do feel that aftershock and simply can’t stop thinking about it.
One thing for sure, Princess and I are here every step of the way for you and right now the most important thing is that you are all right.
Love,
Hubby
PS Sorry if there were some grammars, I can’t really type right tonight.
I saw your comment on Twitter and wanted to come over and say how very sorry I am for your loss. I’ve had 3 pregnancy losses and I can relate to the pain, disappointment and heartbreak that you’re feeling right now.
I know it’s hard to hear right now but it will get better with time. Don’t try to rush through the grief…the only way to get through it is to ride it out, but knowing that eventually the pain does subside. There will always be a place in your heart for this baby.
I’m so sorry.
I too know how horrible and empty losing a pregnancy feels. I’ve been through 2 miscarriages, 1 at 8 weeks the other at 26 weeks.
I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but time does heal your pain. Hugs!
I am so terribly sorry. I know you must be feeling such a sense of loss. It will get better with time but in the meantime, I can just give you virtual hugs. (((hugs)))
Oh honey, I am so, so sorry. There really aren’t words to comfort right now. Just know that your spirits will lift, you won’t always feel this way. You may always have small feelings of ‘what if’ but it does get better. Love on your family, let them love on you. When we went through this at the beginning of the year, I remember what a comfort it was to hold my daughter, and to cuddle with my husband… And to just ‘be’. I’ll be praying for you.
*hugs*
Nothing I can say right now will fill that void at all I so wish I could do something. I know you’ve heard sorry and right now it might just be a word. I want you to know how much I adore you and now your husband too with his kind words. I think he’s an amazing man and crying no matter who is a an ok thing it helps cleans or soul and let out what we need to.
I am here anytime you need me. You take some time, we’ll be here when you’re ready.
I was 13 weeks along when I had a miscarriage Nov. 2-3, and I feel the same way. Something is missing, I feel that void. This Christmas was supposed to be so wonderful…our anatomy scan was scheduled for 12/21, and I just kept thinking how great a gift that would be…miscarriage is such a sudden, violent thing. Everything changes so quickly. And I keep wondering if I had too much caffeine, or if it happened because I got the H1N1 vaccine. I cry still, and have trouble holding babies or being happy for pregnant friends.
Anyway, thanks for posting. I am so sorry this happened to you. Take care.
Thank you honey! It is hard, and with each passing day it gets harder, but we’ll get trough this!
Thank you for stopping by and commenting, I really appreciate it! Sorry for you losses it’s hard I know!
Thank you Cat for stopping by, I appreciate it! ((hugs)) I am so sorry for your losses it’s so hard!
Thank you!
Thank you! Sorry about your loss, I didn’t know, it is so hard.
I’m trying to go trough this by holding it in me, but it’s not working. I just need to talk about it and blog seems to be the place!
Thank you girlie!
I was planing to take time off the blog and everything, but I need a place to say what I’m feeling. I guess I’m much better with writing it down than talking about it.
It sure put pressure on the holidays and everything else that was about to happen this month.
Today was supposed to be 8 weeks and I feel worst than before.
I keep going over and over the things I did while pregnant to see was there something I did that I wasn’t supposed to, but I just can’t find the answer.
Thank you for stopping by!
I want to thank you all for your kind comments.
I will try to write today, because it helps me when I don’t hold it in.
And it’s easier to write about it than to talk!
But with each day it gets worst. It makes me feel so empty, and I know with time it will get better, but how long no one knows that is for sure!
(((hugs)) I know how you feel! And I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been through two miscarriages as well and no matter how early or late you are it still hurts. If you ever need to talk please let me know. I’m here for ya!
Thank you Stefanie! Hugs and sorry for your losses it’s never easy no matter when it happens!
I have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I’m saying lots of prayers for you and your family, and sending tons of hugs your way.
I have no words that will make you feel any better about this, just know that I am here and your family is in my prayers.
HUGS, my friend. If you need anything, just ask. Even if you need to vent. I’m here.
here is the link to the website I told you about earlier.
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/
I am so so sorry. There are no words to offer comfort, other than I will be thinking of and praying for you. If you need anything, feel free to email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.
So, so sorry.
Thank you so much Heather!
Thank you I really appreciate it! I will visit them tonight!
Thank you! I was reading your blog earlier and I’m so glad I found it (trough Twitter) sending you big hugs and I’m so sorry for your loss of your little sweet Angelina! Thank you for visiting me!
Oh honey. This is so unfair. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this and are still going through this. It sucks. There are just no words to make it better. I completely understand the emotions you are going through. Please know I am here for you. I’m so sorry.
I would like to send you a care package if I could please have your address.
yayaorangenanny@yahoo.com
Thank you Yaya so much! I was thinking about you. All those times on your blog I understood yet never as I do now ((HUGS)) and thank you I’ll email you!
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, and thanks for stopping by, it means a lot!
Oh! I am soooo sorry for your loss! My heart aches for you! May God’s love and peace surround you and may He give you strength!
My mom had over 9 miscarrages between having her 7 children, so I grew up around the heartache of losing tiny siblings.
It is so hard to understand, but God knows and He cares! He is holding you and your family!
*Hugs*!
Thank you Hannah so much for your kind words and for visiting me!
OH I am so sorry for your loss! Having a miscarriage at ANY point in a pregnancy is very hard and painful both physically and mentally. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through 2 – so I know the range of emotions you are experiencing. I hope you feel better very soon!
Thank you Kasey! I’m sorry about your m/c too it is so hard both ways you’re right! Thank you for stopping by!
I’m so sorry I haven’t been around much and missed this post. ((HUGZ!!!)) I know exactly what you’re going through – I lost 4 over the years and have the ‘What If?’ moments all this time later. But the pain of the loss will fade in time – and with Princess to hug, cuddle and smother in kisses, that’ll help too.
Oh Thank you Stacy! I’m so sorry for your losses ((hugs)) It gets a little better with each day and my little Princess is definitely helping a lot. This whole time, the experience and everything has made us even closer to each other than we were before!
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