A Part Of Me Is Missing

There is a reason I’ve been missing in the last week or so. In just one week my life went from happy, to even happier, to a sad unexplained hole.

The picture on the left was picked two days ago for a post I was writing about the happy. It was supposed to be the big YAY and happy news.

The news we shared with our families and I was ready to share it with the world. But it all changed the past two days…

But the story from the beginning…

As you may know (well my regular readers I’m sure do) we have been talking about trying for a baby #2 for the past several months. It all started with this post Ready For More, which was back in August.

By the time I wrote this post Trying To Conceive Ups And Downs I was starting to get just a little worried. Worried why? Well you see this was two months how we were trying and nothing was happening. Actually weird things were happening, like there was no period, yet all home pregnancy tests came back negative.

Confused, sad, upset…just no answers. November was stressful on its own, and with many other things happening I just tested in the beginning of the month and as before a big no. I didn’t want to do any more tests after that.

See after I did that test back in November I wrote this post Obviously I’ve Been Sick, and I felt sick. I thought I was coming down with a cold. Than I was better for a week or so, and than all the symptoms came back just a little different. Funny part, I still didn’t get my period.

Fast forward to December 1. I told my husband something must be wrong with me when I fall asleep while working on a post on my computer. He thought it was funny, which really was, but well. I had two tests in the bathroom the early ones that supposed to show you the results 5 days sooner than your missed period.

On December 2 I got up as soon as my husband went to work. I was awaken by incredible urge to go to the bathroom, and while there I was thinking “Well, why not test?!”

I waited impatiently and than saw it…2 lines…I am pregnant!!!

Excitement, I was smiling in the mirror and beyond happy. Right away I called my husband to share this happy, long waited news.

We were so excited, and we couldn’t wait to tell everyone.

I tested again a day later, just to be sure…again positive, the lines even darker.

On December 3 I went with Princess to my parents house. I was sitting in the kitchen with my Mom and Sister, when I couldn’t wait any longer, and just told them…”I’m Pregnant!” I didn’t really know how would they react, but the response was as I hoped “happy”! My husband told his parents as well and his brothers. Everyone was as excited as we.

I was at my parents house till Saturday evening. Doing Friday night (December 4 on December 5) I felt lots of cramps that seemed much stronger than I thought was supposed to be normal. But I didn’t want to think about anything bad, anyways cramps in early pregnancy are normal. And I was supposed to see my doctor on Monday (December 7) so no worries!

Saturday night we came home and I was still feeling very tired, with so many lower stomach cramps. But I still didn’t think anything could be wrong.

Sunday we did some shopping, mostly food, I had to go to the bathroom like fifty times in two hours, but hey, that’s normal too.

Than Sunday evening I felt like I was going to faint. My stomach was hurting so bad, very low. In some point it felt like I had something heavy and cold drop down and I felt sick. I went to the bathroom and there it was … blood … dark … enough to make me worry. I never experienced anything like this with my last pregnancy. There was never any spotting, especially not after positive pregnancy tests.

I was starting to freak out, and my husband tried his best to make me come down , not that it did much. I was worried, and even though after that there was nothing other than when I would wipe I was so scared. So I decided to wait till the morning, I was anyways going to the doctor around twelve on Monday (December 7).

I woke up feeling all out of the place. I went to the bathroom and there it was more blood. I was more scared than ever before. It was coming more and it seemed like it will not stop.

We went to the emergency room, I called my doctor, and she said that we should go right away and have all the tests and ultrasounds done as soon as possible.

We did just that…

In the ER they give me a urine pregnancy test that came in negative. I was freaking out and told them that can’t be right. Doctor was very nice, unlike the nurse there who thought I was making it all up. She was saying how there was no chance I was pregnant…I was going crazy.

They took blood to do tests and check for the hormone levels. Than they did all kinds of ultrasounds…I was informed because I was coming from the ER the technician doing ultrasounds can’t tell me anything, the doctor will tell me later what was happening. It was nerve racking and I couldn’t stop crying…all I could say to anyone asking me “how I was” was “I know I am pregnant!” The technician was very nice. She was asking me lots of questions, and in some point she turned the monitor on the other side…than looked at me, and back at the screen. Even though she didn’t tell me anything, I knew something was very wrong.

We were in the ER room when doctor came in. He didn’t look as happy as other times. He was way too serious for me to look normal. He started telling me about the ultrasound that they took, it looked weird. Weird like my uterus looking much larger than it should, and that it looked like I am pregnant, but they didn’t see anything, nothing that was good at least. Than he said, and the blood test shows that you are indeed pregnant, around seven weeks going by the level of the hormone, but I am so sorry to say that it’s not there, not anymore…Something went wrong, and you miscarried somewhere between last night and today!!!

The whole room was spinning, all I could hear was Pregnant and Miscarried…

The world stopped, the shock settled in, the guilt, the need to scream…but nothing came out of my mouth, except “I told you I was pregnant”. Yea, I know what was that…

We came home later in the evening and I still can’t believe it. I still feel it in me, just right above I feel this empty spot like half of me is missing. This void that can’t be filled. I’ve lost something, something I wanted, loved and needed. I know seven weeks isn’t a long time, but it was my seven weeks that made me feel all warm and happy to feel dizzy!

I came home I looked at my beautiful baby girl, I hugged her and kissed her, I told her I love you a hundred times. And I can’t tell you how many times I thanked God for her, for having her and for her being as perfect as she is.

We told family, as they were calling us all day to check in if everything was ok. We are all sad, but I feel so empty. I don’t know can they ever understand it, I feel like a part of me is missing and I lost it in the hospital…a part they said is not here anymore, but I still feel it in me, and I wish this all was just a bad dream.

What now? How do we go from here? Why does it have to hurt so much???

I know this was long, I just needed to say it, to say how little time I had to be excited, and now all I find myself doing all day is staring in one spot and asking WHY?

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